Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I need help.

One of these days I will have to get out of the house......without the baby. The thought of this makes me want to ball up in the fetal position and cry. I already leave the baby 9 hours a day with the baby sitter Monday through Friday. That is a stretch for me. The only reason why I do it is because I HAVE TO! I need a paycheck. One of these days I will seriously have to leave the house for a social function......without the baby. If I want to keep my friends or my husband I will have to engage in some adult time. My husband has been dying to get out of the house and I keep turning down friends invitations for a night out on the town. Thinking about leaving Macy on the weekends makes me want to cross my arms and pout. Isn't is enough that I am gone from Macy 45 hours out of the week??! I think I might die if I leave her one the weekends!!

Even if I braved leaving Macy for 4 or 5 hours to enjoy a night out I think I would be miserable. I would think about my baby, wish I was with my baby, wonder what my baby was doing, wonder if she misses me and/or check my cell phone pictures just to see her sweet face one more time. You know how I would know I would do this? Because I do it every day at work.

Another thing, it's hard for me to have a conversation with anyone that doesn't regard my baby. I always find a way to slip little tidbits of information in about Macy in conversations. In my old life I would have hated who I have now become. I used to completely zone out when people spoke about their children. That kind of talk was boring to me. Now, Macy is all my thoughts revolve around and sometimes I don't even realize that I make Macy the topic of every.single.converstation I have. Lately I have tried to be better about this. I will pretend to be interested in what other people have to say but then I completely zone out. I find myself thinking about my baby, wishing I was with my baby, wondering what my baby was doing, wondering if she missed me and I wondering when this conversation would be over so I could check my cell phone pictures just to see her sweet face one more time.

Yeah, I am so one dimensional anymore. The sad thing is I really don't have any desire to change it other than the fact that NO ONE will want to talk to me ever again if I don't do something about it. Is there some kind of rehab I can go to?! Like a new mom rehabilitation center where I am forced to carry on conversations about something other than Macy?! Is there a place where they will force me to get out a socialize without the baby on my hip?! If there is, I really need to get myself enrolled ASAP. I can't continue to go on like this forever and expect people to still want to talk to me.

It will get better once I force myself to get out a few times, right?! Let's hope.....

No comments: