I now understand unconditional love

I look at this picture and wonder if I knew what life had in store for me. Did I know that 2.5 years later I would give birth to a beautiful baby girl? Did I know that the focus of my whole world would change? Would I understand the depths that I could love someone else?

No. At the time I wasn't aware of the true meaning of unconditional love. Back then I put myself first, before anything else. I always knew I wanted kids but I was scared to have them. I was afraid that I would be forced to give up my sleep, my spare time and spare money. The thought of having someone else so depended on me was overwhelming. I felt like I would be tied down.

When Macy was born, I realized that all of my fears did come true. She is completely dependent on me, my sleep is interrupted, I have very little time to myself and all my spare money does go to her. All my needs take a backseat to Macy's. What I wasn't expecting is that I wouldn't mind having to change my priorities. I don't mind having to wake up with Macy at night. I love playing with her in the evening, even if the house is a little messy and needs to be tended to. I absolutely love shopping for Macy. There are so many adorable baby girl clothes out there and Macy has to have them all! I love all the responsibilities of being a mom.

I look at this picture and I am excited for all the things yet to come. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us....

I am dreading getting on a plane with a baby.

I am going back home to Orlando with Macy for my BFF's wedding in March. By myself. I will be boarding a plane with a baby by myself. OMG, I will be on a plane with a baby BY MYSELF!! I have begged, pledged and bribed Jason to come to Orlando with me but he won't. I have so many fears about flying with a baby.....the least Jason could do was fly with me!!

Over the years, I have flown MANY times from Texas to Orlando. I don't think in the history of aviation there has ever been a flight into Orlando without a screaming child on it. Millions of kids every year fly to Orlando and I am always lucky enough to sit next to the screaming ones. I use to get annoyed by the ill behaved children and wonder "What the hell is wrong with their mom? Why won't she quiet her kids down?".

Well folks, I will be that lady on a plane with a screaming child. That is my number one biggest fear. After Macy's little crying attack last night I am so afraid that she will have a repeat when we are on the plane. How humiliating would that be? Seriously, I won't be able to bust out her play gym while we are 30K feet up in the air. What the hell will I do? Smile and apologize to everyone in a 10 row radius? Oh God, the thought of that almost makes me want to cry.

Also, how the hell am I suppose to feed Macy? The total amount of travel time will be 5+ hours and Macy will want to eat at least twice. I haven't braved nursing in public yet. I am scared to death to do so. First off, I am not coordinated enough not to show the whole world my business. When I feed her at home I don't bother wearing a shirt or a bra. Ummm, yeah, can't do that on the plane. I guess I could bring a blanket to cover up with but I don't see that as being successful either. Macy is a lot more animated these days and she gets so excited to eat she likes to wave her arms around in appreciation. She would rip the blanket right off.

I know they sell those breastfeeding shawls but I have one question.......how will I hide both my breasts AND my stomach/spare tire/love handles that I have acquired since having Macy??! Those shawls aren't long enough to cover both. Plus I don't want to fork out the $40 or whatever it is they cost.

I thought about bottle feeding Macy and then pumping in Houston in the family bathroom which is private. Well, I checked and Houston doesn't have a family bathroom. Really, I don't feel comfortable pumping any where else because the breast pump is not exactly discreet. The suction function is not quiet by any means. Plus, I kinda dread having to explain to the 25 year old, male TSA Agent that it's not really a bomb in my bag, it's just the motor to my breast pump.

One other thing, do I bring her stroller and car seat? Or should I carry her in the front baby backpack carrier thingy? Yes, I just asked if I should carry my baby in a carrier. I use to laugh when I saw people wearing one and think "Not me. You won't catch me dead in one of those things!". Well, now I find myself leaning towards putting Macy in baby carrier. Mostly because how will I get through security with a car seat and a stroller by myself? How is it possible for me to hold the baby (who at that point will probably be screaming), put the car seat and folded up stroller on the conveyor belt?? Again, Jason it would be nice for you to fly with me and offer an extra hand. ::hint, hint. there is still time to buy a ticket::

So, I will be that person who I never thought I would be. Style has been traded for practicality. But that's ok. It will all be worth it when I can show Miss Macy off to my friends in Orlando!!

But wish me luck. And lots of it. I will need it.

Macy, did you not get the memo that I am a SUPER mom?

Yesterday after work I picked Macy up from the sitters house and she was in a happy mood. The baby sitter even commented on her jovial mood. On the car ride home I started to feel proud, like we were completely in sync. I got to thinking, that over the past 2 weeks, Macy really doesn't cry anymore. If she does, it's only momentary until I figure out what she needs. I had almost convinced myself that this was all attributed to my mothering skills. I was that good of a mother and therefore she just didn't need to cry anymore. My thoughts were further reinforced when we got home. I played with Macy for about a hour before dinner and I could get her to smile on command. Man, motherhood just comes naturally to me.

Well, I got a little full of myself yesterday. Macy brought me down a few notches. This is how my night went:

Just about the time I sat down to eat dinner Macy started crying. Not cute little baby cries, I mean she was really whaling. I asked Jason to give her a bottle but she wouldn't settle down.

Sigh....ok fine, let me quiet her down, you know, because I have that magic touch.

Sometimes at night she will refuse the bottle and only want to breastfeed. I'll admit that it makes me feel good when she refuses the bottle. It's nice to feel needed. I thought that was surely the case last night. NOPE. She still fussed. Hmmm, ok Macy just needs to get settled down, I can always stop her crying when I breastfeed her.......well, it's not working......what's wrong with her??! Doesn't she know I am a great mother?

Finally I resigned to the fact that she just didn't want to breastfeed.

Ok, well I am a good enough mother to accept that I failed on my first attempt to soothe her. Let's try something else. I decided to offer her a bottle of formula. Maybe she liked the flow of milk from a bottle better. Maybe she was just too tired and didn't want to work while nursing.

That didn't work.

Ok, well let's try a bottle of breast milk. Maybe she doesn't like formula and prefers milk that I produced. Yeah, that's it. See, I really am mother superior.

That didn't work either.

As I sit on the couch with a screaming baby, watching TV (and I really mean watching TV. It's impossible to hear what's going on with Macy SCREAMING) I am completely puzzled as to why I can't make my baby stop crying. Could it be that I am not that in tune with my baby??! No, it can't be. I think she needs a diaper change. She's probably just upset because she is she is dirty.

I change her diaper and she is still screaming.

I try burping Macy because at that point I am convinced it gas. After 5 minutes of good pats on the back Macy is still crying. Now she is drenched in sweat because she is screaming so hard......I guess it wasn't gas.

Oh, duh. Let me give her a bath. She always settles down and sleeps like a baby when she has a bath.....please let this work.

The bath didn't work. At this point she has been crying for over an hour.

What is going on? Have I lost my touch? Wow, I can't even hear myself think because she is screaming so hard. I know, I will have Jason deal with this screaming baby for awhile because I need a break.

I asked Jason to take her and try to soothe her. Smirk. Yeah, good luck. If I am her mother and I can't get her to settle down, you won't have a chance. Well, Jason took her in the bedroom and put her in her play gym.

What do you know, she shut up.

How the hell did he know how to get her to quiet down??! Wait, I am the one who is suppose to figure out what is wrong with her! I am a great mother, right?!

Then it hits me like a brick wall. OMG, I really don't have this mothering thing all figured out!!

All kidding aside, Jason is a great father. He adores Macy. And at times he is more intouch with what her needs are. Other times I am. TOGETHER we make great parents. With out combined forces (because we are both super!) Macy will have a great life....and maybe we can get her to quiet down along the way!!

To date, this is my favorite picture of Macy!

I love, love, love this picture of Macy and I. She is so freakin' adorable, I can't stand it! On Saturday I asked Jason to change Macy's diaper and when he was done he brought her back to me in this bear suit. Remember my post where I mentioned Macy's "talent" of peeing and pooping when she doesn't have a diaper on? Well, she was at it again and not only needed a diaper change, she needed an outfit change. The bear suit is actually a Christmas outfit (which means nothing to Jason, he just grabs the first thing that's clean). Even though it's the end of February I left Macy in her outfit because she just looked so darn cute! God, I love this girl!

I hate to admit this....

I hate to admit this but I am still wearing my maternity clothes 10 weeks post partum. I'm beginning to think I'll never fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes. I have lost the majority of my pregnancy weight, but my body doesn't resemble its old self in any way, shape or form. I gained a total of 60 lbs when I was pregnant and I have since lost a total of 54 lbs. My weight loss sounds impressive but I have a long way to go before I can wear any of my old shorts or spaghetti strap tank tops. I think bikinis are a thing of the past.

I look alright with a long sleeved shirt and pants on. Good thing it's winter. It's when I take off my clothes it's scary. I definitely have a cellulite problem. Don't let me fool you, I have always had a cellulite problem but now it's out of control. My stomach has the consistency of a bowl of mashed potatoes. No rock hard abs for me. My thighs are a little on the lumpy side.....they have the consistency of a bowl of lumpy mashed potatoes.

I am 28, about to turn 29 so I can't kid myself thinking I should have the body of a 19 year old. I'm not a young little thing anymore. But I can't believe that I've resorted to wearing mom jeans. Yes, as I sit here typing I am wearing a pair of mom jeans. I have on a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans that my mom picked up from Costco for $10.99. They come up past my rib cage. Seriously, they sit a good inch and a half up from my belly button. Apparently, style was the first thing to go when I became a mom. But man, they are comfortable. I guess I should be happy they aren't maternity pants. I only own three pair of pants that I can squeeze into that aren't made for pregnant ladies. I had to break down and buy new pants before I came back to work. The only thing is they're 3 sizes bigger than my pre-pregnancy pants and come up to my chest.

Macy sure has some talent!

I am beginning to think that Macy will hold off going to the bathroom until it's time for a diaper change. I try to minimize the time it takes to change a diaper and at max she is dipaerless for 5 seconds. During these 5 seconds Macy ALWAYS manages to pee and/or poop. For a split second I get annoyed but when I look down she always has a huge smile on her face. Once I see that smile, I have to laugh. Really, I think she is laughing at me but I am too much of a sap to realize it!!

I can't tell you how many times I have been running late for work and Macy will manage to pee and poop all over the place. One morning she managed to go to the bathroom with such force I had to change my clothes. Once I changed into my new clean clothes she puked down the front of me. Seriously, I was puked, pooped and peed on in a matter of 2 minutes!! I think that has to be some sort of record!

But, she is the only person who can puke, pee and poop on me and I would think its cute. Ahhh, my little girl must keep this in mind when she is shopping for a nursing home for me!

New Pictues of Macy!!

Things I Never Want to Forget!

In the last week or so I have really noticed Macy making developmental growth. It's exciting and sad at the same time. I love to see all the new things she can do but I am sad that she is growing up. I am so afraid that I will forget the cute things she does so I decided to make a list.....

• When she was first born Macy would latch on anything and everything to try to find food. Jason had great fun sticking his nose in her face and having her latch on. She would give a few good sucks before realizing there was no milk and then she would scream bloody murder. She would also try to nurse off pillows, blankets, the remote control and even my elbow. Poor girl! She would look so silly with her lips perched and her eyes closed looking for her food source.
• When she was first born she had trouble opening her eyes after a nap. She would try her hardest to get her eyes open but she couldn't! She would scrunch up her forehead for a few seconds until her little eyelids popped open. It was adorable! Occasionally she still has this problem in the mornings but for the most part she is coordinated enough to get them open.
• Every time I put her in her rocking/vibrating chair she seems so startled when I turn it on. I love it! As soon as I hit the power button her arms fly straight out like she is trying to catch her balance.
• She has now gotten more patient. He baby cries are so soft and cute. But when she was first born that was not the case. She only had two volumes - quiet and SCREAMING. Nothing in between! Looking back I get a smile thinking about what a lunatic she would turn into.
• She gets frustrated breastfeeding sometimes. She will stick her arms out straight against my chest and lock her elbows. She screams like crazy because she can't get to my breast and she is hungry (well duh, you're an arms length away!). She starts bobbing her head in frustration until I bend her elbow and can get her closer to me. This is a continual thing!!
• No matter how upset she is she will always stop crying when I change her diaper. And as soon as I get her clothes back on her she will pick up where she left off and start screaming again. Hmmm, I don't think this is a quality I want in my daughter!!
• She is so cute at bath time......this is another time where she never cries. I see a connection - she is happy when she has her clothes off!! Anyway, when I pour water over her head she tries to lick the water drops that pass over her mouth. She reminds me of a dog!!! Jason gets a kick out of watching her!!
• I think it's the funniest thing ever when she farts. It never gets old. We could be completely alone and I will still laugh out loud when she lets one go!
• She is a great pooper. You can hear her blowouts from across the room!! It amazing me that something so small and cute to have such forceful explosions!!
• I love her silent laugh. She hasn't quite figured out how to laugh but I see her trying. She will smile so big that her eyes squint up and her mouth opens real wide. I think shes on the verge of laughing but until then her silent laugh will do just fine!
• I love when I wake her up in the morning. She is full of farts and smiles! I also love to watch her stretch. She gets her arms waving around above her head and it's just adorable.
• Her favorite thing to do is go for a walk in her stroller. I don't think she has ever once cried when she was in her stroller. She loves to look around and see new sights!!
• When she is in the car she will cry whenever I stop. She could be dead asleep but as soon as I hit a red light she is up and screaming!

These are the little things that I am afraid that if I don't write them down I will forget! Everything she does is so exciting and so darn cute!

Screw you Gisele....

Gisele Bundchen gave birth to her son on December 8, 2009 which was the same day I gave birth to Macy. I recently read on People.com that Gisele was back in tiptop shape and doing photo shoots 6 weeks post partum. While I know I shouldn't compare myself to the most famous super model in the world, I can still hate her right? I never looked like Gisele prior to my pregnancy and I sure the hell will never look like her after I had a child. Victoria's Secret never asked me to model their lingerie. I am not 6 feet tall nor do I have 3% body fat that I am sure she has. I will never be married to Tom Brady and all of his millions of dollars. So screw you Gisele and your perfect body!

2 Month Check Up

Yesterday was Macy's 2 month doctors appointment. She was scheduled to get a round of vaccinations which she did well with. She screamed but I was able to sooth her and she quieted down quickly. She was a tad fussy last night but it was nothing unmanageable.

However, Macy is still not gaining weight at an adequate rate. Yesterday she only weighed 10 lbs 7 oz. In the last month she gained a total of 1 lb 7 oz which is really low. I am confused by this and was caught off guard by her slow weight gain. I was expecting that she would weigh around 12 to 13 lbs. Honestly, we always have a bottle made for her and that's the first thing we offer when she starts to get fussy. The doctor told me I should continue giving Macy formula and I can supplement with pumped breast milk as well. She doesn't want me to nurse Macy anymore. She said this way I will be able to know exactly how much Macy is eating. Also, if Macy had it her way she would nurse off me 24 hours a day. She is a comfort nurser and will nurse even if I don't have any milk. Because she is a comfort nurser she is wasting calories that she needs to grow. So, I am going to give up our nursing sessions and stick to bottle feeding. The thing that worries me is sometimes at night Macy will refuse the bottle and ONLY want to nurse from me. Looks like this will be a habit we will have to break.

Ugh, breast feeding has really been a struggle for me. From day one I have had supply issues and I had to introduce formula to Macy at a young age. I have tried everything to get my milk supply up......herbs, teas and changes in my diet. But nothing has worked. It's frustrating because I really gave this whole breast feeding thing my best shot but my body just can't produce enough milk. I thought I was doing what's best for her but I caused her slow weight gain. I feel inadequate and a tad like a failure. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do.

Anyway, I have to take Macy back in a month for a weight check. Hopefully she will grow like a weed over the next month!!