Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I am a feen suffering from withdrawals

With any defining event in my life, I have trouble letting go of that moment.  Take my wedding for example.  For a good six weeks I was depressed afterwards because it was over.  I had major wedding withdrawals.  Which is ironic because during my wedding planning I was counting down the days until the big event.  I could not wait for the day to arrive!  So, why did I cry the following day after my wedding?  Because it sunk in that the day I waited so long for was over.  Poor Jason.  He had no idea why the hell I was crying.  I am sure when he saw my tears he thought I was having regrets about the marriage.  I mean, what else would he think when his new bride was crying? 

I went into this whole big thing about how even though I was crying I was really happy because we were finally married and it was the best day of my life, blah, blah, blah.  I tried to explain to him that I was sad because I wasn't planning a wedding anymore.  I missed thinking about flowers and bridesmaid dresses.  And I was jealous of every engaged woman out there because she was planning and wedding and I was not.  Basically, the more I talked the crazier I sounded.......and I talked for quite a while.  With my bizarre logic I am sure he was the one who was having regrets. 

And then there's my pregnancy.  I remember sitting on my bed crying about a week before I had Macy.  I was beginning to think I was going to be pregnant forever and I just wanted to be a normal person again.  Nothing fit, I couldn't sleep and I had major heartburn.  Oh yeah, I was 60 lbs heavier too.  I tried to distract people from my cankles and double chin with more make up and larger accessories.  I looked like an overweight drag queen and I knew it. 

While I was still in the hospital after having Macy the movie Juno came on the TV and I burst into tears because the 16 year old was pregnant and I wasn't.  Ugh, great, now I have pregnancy withdrawals.  I think Jason was in shock because I was just an emotional mess.  He made the mistake of telling me I was crazy since I was holding my day old baby and I wanted to be pregnant again.  Poor guy.  Again, I went into this long ass spiel about how I was really happy even though I was crying, blah, blah, blah.  Oh and can we start trying for another baby next week?! 

I am sure he thought I suffered from amnesia as well as some other emotional problems at that moment. 

Even now, if I see a pregnant girl I can't look directly at her because I get jealous.  The feeling has subsided a tad but still, I would like to get pregnant in the next 20 minutes.

Thankfully logic has taken over and I know it would not be smart to get pregnant for a good while.  We don't have any plans to have a baby in the near future (even though I really, really want another).  I am learning to appreciate the moment I live in now instead of waiting on a day to come or missing a day that has already passed. 

Macy has taught me how to be content......thankfully!

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